The Short List

Or should i say the long list?

In light of the recent Debbie Downer posts i thought i would compile of list of things that i'm thankful for or things that currently make me happy....

1- This cooler weather

Man, i love the fall.  I walked out of my house this morning and it was chilly- i loved it.  I want it to stay like this forever, cool in the morning, mid 70's in the afternoon.  Perfection.

2-  My new water bottle.

I know, happy about a water bottle?  Does this need anymore explanation?  If you are ever in the Nags Head area, TW's Bait and Tackle has a TON of Pirate gear.  I found out the owner has children at ECU and that's why he carries a lot of the stuff!  Winning!

3- New TV series

Well, new to me!  Chris and I jumped on the Breaking Bad bandwagon a while ago.  We caught up the other night.  Good lord that show is insane!  My other favorites are Scandal, Prison Break, Orange is the New Black, and Mistresses.  Guilty pleasure for sure!

4- PSL

A little secret of mine?  I never really cared for the Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks.  This year?  Game changer.  I didn't realize how good those things were!  I usually order skinny/decaf so that i don't feel as guilty having one....i cant tell the difference! Yum!

5- B & D

You could say Chris and I are obsessed with our dogs.  They provide endless amounts of entertainment and, seriously, who doesn't love these faces?!?!

6- The 'W'

Also know as Chubbers or Bug or William :)

I recently got to spend an entire week with him at the beach.  It was the best week.  I cannot get over how cute he is- i could cry thinking about how much i love him.  He loved the beach, i am already looking forward to next year.  He will be a beach pro!

7- Chris
He is really the sweetest guy.  I cant even begin to explain the love and support he shows me, not just through the tough times but always.

The Struggle

My last update wasn't really the happiest, Chris and I are in a much better place mentally today.  Although, not a day goes by that i don't think about my little jellybean.  It is still so hard to hear about everyone else's pregnancies, not that i'm mad at them, it just is a reminder of where i should have been, but in reality where i am not.  I am so happy for all of my friends that are expecting (lord knows most of my friends are), but it is still hard.  The pain is still very much there. In fact i would have been 23 weeks this past weekend....its hard to imagine.  One thing i have learned through all of this is that people that have not been through a loss of some sort, have a hard time relating.  Which is ok, before i went through this i had no idea what the feeling was like.  Unfortunately now i do know what it feels like and i can be more sensitive to others going through similar situations.  I also think our struggle to have a baby has taught me many things.  I find that people that have never struggled to have a baby have a hard time understanding also.  I get a lot of comments from people that don't know how their words impact me, me being someone who has struggled- i've learned that these comments are not intentional and that they really just don't understand the depths of the situation.
I've gotten everything from....

".....Just stop 'trying' and it will happen....."
".....Stop stressing about it......"
to
"......just relax and have fun....."
and mannnny more....

Obviously i've tried all of those and more :)  Its a tough thing to hear when you are going through infertility treatments with a doctor.  I feel like all my time is spent at appointments- blood work this, test that.  Although i know one day i will look back at this time and know that all of this was worth it- it is just hard to stay positive sometimes.  It is crazy to think that Chris and I started this journey almost 2 years ago.  I never imagined that i would have experienced all that i have- but i know our story is just starting, after all i do have a pretty great guardian angel watching over me.

A new life lost

It has been so long since i last wrote, life got busy and i just never found the time.  I want to use this space to remember and reflect on one of the happiest and saddest times of our lives.

On May 7th, Chris and I found out that we were expecting.  I had taken a home pregnancy test and it immediately came up positive.  To say that we were thrilled would have been an understatement.  You see, our journey to a positive pregnancy test was a bit different that most.  It consisted of a long year of running tests on both Chris and I.  Finally in January, we visited a specialist at Wake Forest Center for Reproductive Medicine.  She gave us so much hope and got us on track for starting a family.  When we decided it was time, we started our first cycle with clomid and a trigger shot.  We were so happy to find out that we got pregnant the first cycle.  We truly did not think it would be that easy for us.  Regardless of how we got there.....we got there and we couldn't have been happier.

I remember testing for the first time- i had not told Chris that i was going to.  With the process we had to go through, i wanted some part of it to be a surprise.  I knew that he didn't know exactly when i was supposed to test, so i thought i would find out first and if it was positive, i would have something to surprise him with.  It took maybe 20 seconds for the test to turn positive, I couldn't believe my eyes.  I waited one more day to tell Chris so that i could test again just to be sure.  I told Chris on Wednesday, May 8th, it was the best day we had in a very long time.  Neither of us could quit smiling- we just kept looking at each other like kids thinking that it was too good to be true.  On Friday, May 9th, i went in and had the pregnancy confirmed through blood work.  We new that we wanted to tell our families immediately, so on Mothers Day, we shared our exciting news.  Both of our families were so happy.  I will never forget that weekend, it was so special.  At this point i was in the VERY early stages of pregnancy, i believe i was around 3.5-4 weeks.

A little bit of time passed and on May 20th we went back to the specialist to check up on things. We got an ultrasound and it was so cool to see the progress that had been made.  I had been feeling things, but of course was anxious to know how things were progressing.  We were 5w2d at this ultrasound.  While we could see the pregnancy sack, it was still too early to see anything else.  So we schedule to come back 2 weeks later for an additional follow up.  On May 31st we returned and had the best appointment.  I was measuring 6w6d (right on track)- we saw and heard the heart beat.  It was the most precious sound i had ever heard.  I remember the look on Chris' face when we heard the heart beat.  He was beaming.  At that appointment they gave me an EDD of January 18th, 2014.  We were officially released from the specialist and were waiting on our first OB appointment in a couple of weeks.

For Chris and I, hearing the heart beat made this experience real.  Not that we didn't think it was real before, but it confirmed to us that things were on track.  Over the next couple of weeks i did my best to take care of myself.  I never had any morning sickness, but did have some trouble with nausea, insomnia, etc.

On June 19th, I went in for my first doctors appointment with my regular OB.  I asked my mother in law to come with me since Chris wasn't able to get off of work.  My appointment was scheduled for 2- and i was finally seen around 2:45.  My doctor did the normal exam first and we chatted for a while about details of the pregnancy.  I was then ushered out into the hallway where i was to wait for the ultrasound technician to call me back for a scan.  She called me back pretty quickly and my MIL and I went back to the room to get started.  The technician explained that she was going to start the exam and once everything looked ok she would put it up on the screen next to me so that i could see.  She got started and within about 15 seconds the ultrasound was over.  She stopped what she was doing and very matter- of - factly said.... 'Well I do see a baby, but unfortunately there is no heart beat'.  I remember a feeling of heat and nausea came over me and my ears started ringing.  I couldn't comprehend what she just said.  She then told me to get dressed and to come back out into the hallway where i would wait to see the doctor.  My MIL was crying, but i was just numb.  I couldn't think of anything except my sweet husband.  I spoke further with my doctor and she explained that the gestational size of the baby was 8w5d- so it seems like the baby's heart beat stopped right around a week before my appointment.  I discussed my options with the doctor and opted to go ahead and schedule a D & C.  I knew that none of the options were ideal, but i felt like emotionally this may be the best for my heart.  I did not want to go home and wait for nature to take its course, i knew that it would be too much for me to handle emotionally.  I wanted to just get things done so that i could start healing, physically and mentally.

The hardest part was calling Chris to tell him what was going on.  He was devastated, he couldn't even speak.  He just got in the car and headed home, i have had such sadness just thinking about making that call to him.  I knew how devastated i was in all of this, but there is something about hearing your husband sob, it breaks your heart.

On friday, at 9w6d I had a D & C done.  The procedure went as smoothly as it could have- although i needed to be put almost all of the way under, which was not planned.  I am also healing well, its just emotionally draining.  I have to go back in about 3 weeks for a follow up with my doctor to make sure all is well, and at that point we will discuss options for going forward.

There are a lot of things i have learned in this experience.  It has changed me and i know it has also changed Chris.  We so badly want to be parents, and know that one day it will happen.  This was just a bump in the road.  Sometimes it is hard to think about the future when you are in the throes of heartache- but that is what i have to focus on.  I have to trust that this is all just part of God's plan for us. The last year of our lives have been extremely trying.  We have been through so much and don't understand a lot of it, but we know that we love each other and will do whatever it takes to be happy.  I truly think that my Dad is watching over us, there have been many signs (more details on another post) that confirm it for me.  I am thankful that if our baby was not healthy that we found out early and not at 20 weeks or 30 weeks.  On the 7 month anniversary of my dads death, we found out that our sweet baby had gone to heaven, i dont think that was a coincidence.  We hope that our little baby is there with dad and that one day we will see both again.

We know that this is not the end, and that one day we will be on the other side of this.  We know that this time of sadness will pass and that one day there will be new life, we just ask that our friends and family keep us in your prayers during this journey.

*I have had a lot of concern with the way that the technician handled our situation- i have called and talked to the office manager of the place that we went.  I think that regardless of the news that they are delivering, there should be compassion and sensitivity.  You really never know what people are going through and having news like that delivered the way that we did, can really take a toll on you.

William Vestal Scott

I am thrilled to announce that my precious nephew, William Vestal Scott, has arrived.  I was so incredibly anxious that i was going to miss his birth.  Not only did he arrive before i left for my trip but he also arrived on the 3 month anniversary of my fathers death.  I woke up on February 19th really sad.  I have been really sad lately and missing my dad more than ever.  It was a rainy day and i was feeling sorry for myself.  I just feel like the loss of my dad isn't fair....i know its a silly way to feel.  But i was having a bit of a pity party.  I got a call early that morning that my sister thought she might be in labor.  I waited until i heard she was admitted to the hospital and then i took off for Richmond.  It was probably the most emotional car ride of my life.  I was happy and sad all at the same time.  I cried for 90% of the ride- just wanting my dad to have been able to be a part of this.  I know he would have been so excited.  I know he had a hand in this and i know he got the see the birth of his first grandchild from heaven.  I would have loved to have been able to give the new grandpa a hug that day.  Seeing my nephew be born was probably one of the most special things i have ever been a part of.  I am so thankful to my sister and brother in law for being so generous to let me participate- it is a day i will never forget.  The way that i felt in the moment he was born was unbelievable- i cant even imagine what they were feeling meeting their son for the first time.  It was and is a miracle.  What a special name for a special boy- he has brought so much joy in such a sad time in our lives- so thankful for him. 

William Vestal Scott

Born 2/19/13 at 8:00 PM 

Weighing 7 lbs 7 oz 

20 1/4 inches long

I am so proud of my family.  The best is yet to come...

Surviving

Grief is such a strange process.  I know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and that everyone does so in their own unique way.  I never knew what a roller coaster grief was.  I have moments where i feel really good and then in the next moment i am so sad.  I am very private with my emotions, so it is so strange to me when i am out somewhere and something triggers emotion.  Grief doesn't slow down for anyone- it is very real and very unpredictable.

One thing that i have struggled with so much since losing my dad is worrying that i will forget him.  I know that i wont actually 'forget' him - but i feel like i will forget details about him, or about the accident or the way he looks.  I will literally sit here and try to picture what he looks like in my mind- and i feel like i cant.  But then i will look over at a picture of him and think....of course i remember what he looks like.  It is such a strange feeling.  It is very scary to me at the same time.  I guess it is my minds way of coping with such a tragic event.  The only way i feel like i can remember things is to document them.  I have, in a very neurotic way, documented every detail of what happened....at least what i know happened.  I keep a journal in my purse all of the time.  Other things that i have documented are dreams, song lyrics, quotes, the celebration of life, etc.  I am just so scared i'm going to forget things- forgetting would make me so sad.

There are certain times of the day that are harder than others for me- usually i am hit with the most emotion when i am driving in the car by myself.  Particularly when i drive home from work.  I suppose my mind is just reflecting on things and it usually wanders to my dad.  I just miss him so hard.  Losing someone who was so important in your life really makes you think twice about other things.  It makes you slow down and have more patience.  It makes you take into consideration others and their feelings- you never know what is happening in other peoples lives. I cant tell you how many times i have had to text Chris after work to tell him to meet me at the door- it brings me comfort for him to help me out of the car and into the house after a sad drive home.

I cannot believe tomorrow will be 3 moths since he passed.  It seems like yesterday and an eternity all at the same time.  It is so weird to think back and remember that this actually happened.  To me three months is nothing- but then again when i think back to my last night with my dad.....it seems like forever ago.  I will never forget it- it was the night before they left for the fishing trip.  My dad fixed dinner- we had tomato and bacon sandwiches and pirates booty cheddar puffs.  It is a night i will never forget- it was the last time i saw my dad.  

In 2 days Chris and I will be in Cancun for a short trip.  It will be my first time at the ocean since my dad died.  I know it will bring a lot of emotion- but i hope it is more so happy than sad.  I also know- that when i come back i will have a sweet niece or nephew to help bring into this world- hopefully he or she will hold out until i get back.  As sad as i am that my dad isnt here for this, i know he is smiling down on us.  I am counting down the days until i see him again...

Good Eats

I thought i would take a little break from talking about sad things.  I have finally started to get back into the swing of things since dad passed.  I took an almost 6 week break from cooking and working out.  I did both occasionally- but nothing consistent   So i am really happy to be back in the gym and back to cooking.  Here are some of my favorite go to 'lighter' recipes.

Fish Tacos (minus the taco)

3/4 lb of Cod (or any other fish you prefer)

1/2 Cup of House Autry seafood breader

1 Tbsp of Oil

1 Mango, diced

1/2 Can of Black beans, drained and rinsed

1/3 Cup of shredded cheese

1/2 Cup diced tomatoes, drained

1/2 Can of Shoe-peg corn, drained

Shredded Cabbage

Green Onions (diced)

Spicy Pink Sauce:  1/4 cup of light sour cream, 1/4 cup fat free mayo, 1 tspn of Sriracha

*  Add as much sriracha as you would like- the more you add the hotter it is

1.  Cut cod up into bite sized pieces.  Place cut up fish in plastic bag with seafood breader.

2.  Pan fry fish in 1 Tbsp of oil until golden brown on both sides

3.  Place half of fish on plate and top with :  shredded cheese, shredded cabbage, mango, black beans, tomatoes  corn, green onions, spicy pink sauce.

Lemon Salmon

2 Pieces of Salmon

1 Lemon

Salt and Pepper

1.  I lay out 2 pieces of foil in a cross- both pieces fairly long.

2.  Cut up lemon in rounds

3.  Place lemon in the middle of the foil.

4.  Place salmon on top of lemon.  Drizzle with a little evoo and sprinkle with salt and pepper

5.  Fold up sides of foil to make a little packet.

6.  Bake at 350-375 for 15 minutes (may take longer if piece of fish is bigger).

Yall, this is SO good.  I probably have this 2 times a week.  It is super easy and fast- with very little clean up (because of the foil packet).  I usually serve this with steamed broccoli and sweet potatoes or pierogies.

Cauliflower Rice

1 Head of cauliflower

1/4 cup of cheese

Salt and Pepper

1.  Boil head of cauliflower until tender.  You should be able to get a fork through the thickest part really easily.  

2.  Put the cauliflower through a ricer or mash with potato masher.

3.  Once the cauliflower is at the consistency that you like - add the cheese, salt and pepper

4.  Stir and serve

I love this as a side.  We actually had it last night.  It is a good way to change up your typical boring veggies.

Zucchini Boats

1 or 2 med size zucchini

1/2 of bell pepper - your favorite color (mine is yellow or orange)

1/2 of an onion

handful of mushrooms

1/4 cup of cheese- whatever your favorite is

1/4 cup of bread crumbs- i use panko for crunch

salt and pepper

1.  Cut zucchini in half (lengthwise) add a couple TBS of water to dish.

2.  Microwave to cook zucchini- about 5 minutes

3.  You want the zucchini to be cooked enough to scoop out the middle easily- but not cooked too much that it is mushy.  

4.  Scoop out the center of the zucchini - set aside.  This will be added back into the filling.

5.  Saute the mushrooms, onion, peppers, and zucchini that was scooped out.  Once cooked add the cheese, salt and pepper

6.  Place zucchini ' shells' into a casserole dish.

7.  Fill each shell with mixture

8.  Top each with a sprinkle of breadcrumbs

9.  Bake in 350 degree oven for 15-20 minutes until top is golden brown

I usually make these as a side dish- but you can also make these the main dish.  I've also added meat- ground turkey or ground beef.  These are yummy!

Christmas 2012

Christmas was hard this year- for obvious reasons, however, at the same time it as also really nice.  Christmas gave us something to celebrate and something to focus on.  We kept all of our usual traditions this year, just as if my dad were here.  I know he would have wanted us to do that.  With the holidays over, i am anxious to begin the new year.  I know this year will bring so many happy things, i just wish dad were here to be a part of it too.  I know he is looking down and is so proud.

Here are some highlights from our holidays...

Mom's tree- Chris and I helped her decorate.  I have to say, and she agrees, that this is the most beautiful tree she has ever had.  I loved the way it turned out.

Mom got Lora and I this ornament ...it is so special to me.  I love the quote that it has on it and the Christmas poem that came with it.  I keep it in a memory box (more on that later).

We had lots of presents to open both at our house and at my in laws.  Chris and I truly had a wonderful Christmas. We spent time with the people that we love the most and really appreciated their company.

We rang in the new year by ourselves at home.  We are very much looking for healing, contentment, and growth this year.  We are also excited for what 2013 will bring, one things for sure, my sweet neice/nephew will be here before i know it.