Jun 24, 2013

A new life lost

It has been so long since i last wrote, life got busy and i just never found the time.  I want to use this space to remember and reflect on one of the happiest and saddest times of our lives.

On May 7th, Chris and I found out that we were expecting.  I had taken a home pregnancy test and it immediately came up positive.  To say that we were thrilled would have been an understatement.  You see, our journey to a positive pregnancy test was a bit different that most.  It consisted of a long year of running tests on both Chris and I.  Finally in January, we visited a specialist at Wake Forest Center for Reproductive Medicine.  She gave us so much hope and got us on track for starting a family.  When we decided it was time, we started our first cycle with clomid and a trigger shot.  We were so happy to find out that we got pregnant the first cycle.  We truly did not think it would be that easy for us.  Regardless of how we got there.....we got there and we couldn't have been happier.

I remember testing for the first time- i had not told Chris that i was going to.  With the process we had to go through, i wanted some part of it to be a surprise.  I knew that he didn't know exactly when i was supposed to test, so i thought i would find out first and if it was positive, i would have something to surprise him with.  It took maybe 20 seconds for the test to turn positive, I couldn't believe my eyes.  I waited one more day to tell Chris so that i could test again just to be sure.  I told Chris on Wednesday, May 8th, it was the best day we had in a very long time.  Neither of us could quit smiling- we just kept looking at each other like kids thinking that it was too good to be true.  On Friday, May 9th, i went in and had the pregnancy confirmed through blood work.  We new that we wanted to tell our families immediately, so on Mothers Day, we shared our exciting news.  Both of our families were so happy.  I will never forget that weekend, it was so special.  At this point i was in the VERY early stages of pregnancy, i believe i was around 3.5-4 weeks.

A little bit of time passed and on May 20th we went back to the specialist to check up on things. We got an ultrasound and it was so cool to see the progress that had been made.  I had been feeling things, but of course was anxious to know how things were progressing.  We were 5w2d at this ultrasound.  While we could see the pregnancy sack, it was still too early to see anything else.  So we schedule to come back 2 weeks later for an additional follow up.  On May 31st we returned and had the best appointment.  I was measuring 6w6d (right on track)- we saw and heard the heart beat.  It was the most precious sound i had ever heard.  I remember the look on Chris' face when we heard the heart beat.  He was beaming.  At that appointment they gave me an EDD of January 18th, 2014.  We were officially released from the specialist and were waiting on our first OB appointment in a couple of weeks.

For Chris and I, hearing the heart beat made this experience real.  Not that we didn't think it was real before, but it confirmed to us that things were on track.  Over the next couple of weeks i did my best to take care of myself.  I never had any morning sickness, but did have some trouble with nausea, insomnia, etc.

On June 19th, I went in for my first doctors appointment with my regular OB.  I asked my mother in law to come with me since Chris wasn't able to get off of work.  My appointment was scheduled for 2- and i was finally seen around 2:45.  My doctor did the normal exam first and we chatted for a while about details of the pregnancy.  I was then ushered out into the hallway where i was to wait for the ultrasound technician to call me back for a scan.  She called me back pretty quickly and my MIL and I went back to the room to get started.  The technician explained that she was going to start the exam and once everything looked ok she would put it up on the screen next to me so that i could see.  She got started and within about 15 seconds the ultrasound was over.  She stopped what she was doing and very matter- of - factly said.... 'Well I do see a baby, but unfortunately there is no heart beat'.  I remember a feeling of heat and nausea came over me and my ears started ringing.  I couldn't comprehend what she just said.  She then told me to get dressed and to come back out into the hallway where i would wait to see the doctor.  My MIL was crying, but i was just numb.  I couldn't think of anything except my sweet husband.  I spoke further with my doctor and she explained that the gestational size of the baby was 8w5d- so it seems like the baby's heart beat stopped right around a week before my appointment.  I discussed my options with the doctor and opted to go ahead and schedule a D & C.  I knew that none of the options were ideal, but i felt like emotionally this may be the best for my heart.  I did not want to go home and wait for nature to take its course, i knew that it would be too much for me to handle emotionally.  I wanted to just get things done so that i could start healing, physically and mentally.

The hardest part was calling Chris to tell him what was going on.  He was devastated, he couldn't even speak.  He just got in the car and headed home, i have had such sadness just thinking about making that call to him.  I knew how devastated i was in all of this, but there is something about hearing your husband sob, it breaks your heart.

On friday, at 9w6d I had a D & C done.  The procedure went as smoothly as it could have- although i needed to be put almost all of the way under, which was not planned.  I am also healing well, its just emotionally draining.  I have to go back in about 3 weeks for a follow up with my doctor to make sure all is well, and at that point we will discuss options for going forward.

There are a lot of things i have learned in this experience.  It has changed me and i know it has also changed Chris.  We so badly want to be parents, and know that one day it will happen.  This was just a bump in the road.  Sometimes it is hard to think about the future when you are in the throes of heartache- but that is what i have to focus on.  I have to trust that this is all just part of God's plan for us. The last year of our lives have been extremely trying.  We have been through so much and don't understand a lot of it, but we know that we love each other and will do whatever it takes to be happy.  I truly think that my Dad is watching over us, there have been many signs (more details on another post) that confirm it for me.  I am thankful that if our baby was not healthy that we found out early and not at 20 weeks or 30 weeks.  On the 7 month anniversary of my dads death, we found out that our sweet baby had gone to heaven, i dont think that was a coincidence.  We hope that our little baby is there with dad and that one day we will see both again.

We know that this is not the end, and that one day we will be on the other side of this.  We know that this time of sadness will pass and that one day there will be new life, we just ask that our friends and family keep us in your prayers during this journey.

*I have had a lot of concern with the way that the technician handled our situation- i have called and talked to the office manager of the place that we went.  I think that regardless of the news that they are delivering, there should be compassion and sensitivity.  You really never know what people are going through and having news like that delivered the way that we did, can really take a toll on you.