Surviving

Grief is such a strange process.  I know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and that everyone does so in their own unique way.  I never knew what a roller coaster grief was.  I have moments where i feel really good and then in the next moment i am so sad.  I am very private with my emotions, so it is so strange to me when i am out somewhere and something triggers emotion.  Grief doesn't slow down for anyone- it is very real and very unpredictable.

One thing that i have struggled with so much since losing my dad is worrying that i will forget him.  I know that i wont actually 'forget' him - but i feel like i will forget details about him, or about the accident or the way he looks.  I will literally sit here and try to picture what he looks like in my mind- and i feel like i cant.  But then i will look over at a picture of him and think....of course i remember what he looks like.  It is such a strange feeling.  It is very scary to me at the same time.  I guess it is my minds way of coping with such a tragic event.  The only way i feel like i can remember things is to document them.  I have, in a very neurotic way, documented every detail of what happened....at least what i know happened.  I keep a journal in my purse all of the time.  Other things that i have documented are dreams, song lyrics, quotes, the celebration of life, etc.  I am just so scared i'm going to forget things- forgetting would make me so sad.

There are certain times of the day that are harder than others for me- usually i am hit with the most emotion when i am driving in the car by myself.  Particularly when i drive home from work.  I suppose my mind is just reflecting on things and it usually wanders to my dad.  I just miss him so hard.  Losing someone who was so important in your life really makes you think twice about other things.  It makes you slow down and have more patience.  It makes you take into consideration others and their feelings- you never know what is happening in other peoples lives. I cant tell you how many times i have had to text Chris after work to tell him to meet me at the door- it brings me comfort for him to help me out of the car and into the house after a sad drive home.

I cannot believe tomorrow will be 3 moths since he passed.  It seems like yesterday and an eternity all at the same time.  It is so weird to think back and remember that this actually happened.  To me three months is nothing- but then again when i think back to my last night with my dad.....it seems like forever ago.  I will never forget it- it was the night before they left for the fishing trip.  My dad fixed dinner- we had tomato and bacon sandwiches and pirates booty cheddar puffs.  It is a night i will never forget- it was the last time i saw my dad.  

In 2 days Chris and I will be in Cancun for a short trip.  It will be my first time at the ocean since my dad died.  I know it will bring a lot of emotion- but i hope it is more so happy than sad.  I also know- that when i come back i will have a sweet niece or nephew to help bring into this world- hopefully he or she will hold out until i get back.  As sad as i am that my dad isnt here for this, i know he is smiling down on us.  I am counting down the days until i see him again...